Before I left for the wedding the other day, I was reminded by my friend, Joan, that I am often too hard on myself. She said something like, “Look at everything you have been through in the last five years!” and then listed the hard experiences I have survived. Begrudgingly I had to acquiesce to the truth that Joan was speaking. I HAVE survived and even when I didn’t want the sun to continue to rise each morning, I never gave up.
Alyssa’s allergy diagnosis yesterday shook me up a bit. Because we have a close relationship, sometimes just being with each other is comforting even though we don’t talk. Yesterday we spent enough time together that we relaxed a bit. It helped that when she got up this morning, Alyssa already had stopped itching and some of the swelling of the hives had gone down. Her body is cleansing itself of all the allergens and it should be a much better path forward. Alyssa’s attitude was really great because now she is armed with the knowledge of how to help herself.
I spent a large portion of my day talking with manufacturers and customer service representatives researching the ingredients in the common things around our home like the soft toilet paper, toothpaste, lotion tissues, paper towels, vitamins, hair products, etc. So I have verified that nothing Alyssa will be touching or using has any of the things in it that will cause an allergic reaction. She texted me several times with a request to “Google” this or that ingredient and then later we discussed it. We both have learned a lot in just one day.
Last night I felt very sad and lonely when I went to bed. Not to go all religious on you, but since I’m a Christian and believe in Jesus and an afterlife, it would have been nice to have Him sit down and tell me that, “Everything is going to be alright, so don’t worry” and then just hold me. Since that wasn’t going to happen, I even contemplated jumping in the car and driving to Mom’s for a hug. There is something comforting in a mother’s hug even when she can’t change circumstances. But…I didn’t drive over there. Instead I closed my eyes and had a fitful night dreaming about death, my old boyfriend cheating on me, love gone wrong and my terribly broken heart, being a failure, people laughing at my stupidity and being lonely.
It felt like the night went on and on and on. By the time I woke up, I felt VERY lonely, like I hadn’t slept at all and an ominous depressing feeling surrounded me like a dark fog. I wanted to go back to bed and cover my head to block the day from happening, but instead I started researching all the stuff for Alyssa. Sometimes you just have to push through the sad moments.
Is it worth stressing and worrying about all the sad moments that are totally out of our control? It has been said that your reaction matters much more than what actually happens to you.
“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” ~ Epictetus ~
Sometimes my reaction is downright pitiful, but I attribute that to my fear. I fear the pain, the possibility of failing, the heartbreak, the shame and basically just not being good enough.
In a poem called “It’s Rigged,” Rumi discusses how there is no reason to worry because everything is rigged in your favor. No matter what you are striving for, you will be a success because each experience you endure is happening to help teach you how to be a better, stronger and more successful person.
It’s rigged – everything, in your favor.
So there is nothing to worry about.
Is there some position you want,
some office, some acclaim, some award, some con, some lover,
maybe two, maybe three, maybe four – all at once,
maybe a relationship
I know there is a gold mine in you, when you find it
the wonderment of the earth’s gifts you will lay
aside as naturally as does
a child a
But, dear, how sweet you look to me kissing the unreal;
comfort, fulfill yourself in any way possible – do that until
you ache, until you ache,
then come to me
If you take on the belief that life is rigged in your favor, then all your dreams and goals are possible. You will psychologically move from viewing yourself as a victim to being an active participant in your success. The “bad” experiences will not be the beginning and end, but will be a mere speed bump in life’s journey whether it includes sickness, divorce, employment problems or a thousand other things that you view as unhappy times.
“It takes courage, determination, patience and hope to stand up straight and walk blindly in the darkness.” ~ Sherry Riter ~
Right now, I’m walking blindly…almost completely blind. I literally can’t see further than the end of each day and sometimes even that is a struggle. What is it that I should be learning from these experiences?
Honestly, I’m not sure.
Lately I have written many posts about hope that are meant to inspire you, but I am also trying to reaffirm to myself that no matter how depressing the circumstances become, eventually the sadness will end.
I KNOW that life is going to get better. When? I have no idea. How? I don’t know that either. As long as I remain hopeful, then no matter what happens or where I end up, “there is nothing to worry about” because “it’s rigged” and everything is going to work out in my favor one way or the other.
That’s what Rumi said. That’s what God says. That’s what the Universe says. That’s what poets, writers, parents and friends say.
With ALL that positive belief and affirmation, SURELY it must be true!
Yes, that’s what I’m going to believe.
It’s rigged with everything in my favor, so there is nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about.
Okay, now will someone please hand me a flashlight.