There’s always so many things to do, places to go and people to see. Often it is just a rat race. Our lives are filled with “things” that are not important and that cause us to be endlessly busy.
I do not want that type of life.
I do not have that type of life.
My life has been narrowed down to the basics. Part of the reason was to be sure I was focusing my attention on the activities that added value. For instance, I stopped shopping just for the thrill of it a long time ago. I no longer get a high from purchasing items I don’t need and end up regretting later anyway. I just don’t get caught up in the purchase. I also prefer getting homemade gifts because it tells me that the person loved me enough to take the time to put together something with their own hands. They thought about me.
My calendar does not have every minute of every day planned with an activity. As a matter of fact, it is mostly blank because it allows for carefree timelessness. I want to spend the rest of my life in activities with my family, doing things that will also add value to their lives. I don’t want to die and be forgotten.
I want to be remembered.
Don’t we all have that desire?
That isn’t a morbid thought, but just a simple reality. I want to have mattered. I want to be remembered as someone whose heart was filled with love, compassion, tenderness and found joy in helping others. Just as I overlook everyone’s faults and weaknesses, I want others to do the same for me.
Aren’t we all just trying to live a happy life?
I was talking to Mom on the phone this week and she randomly said, “I was looking at all my pictures and realized how old they looked.”
Since we had just been talking about Alyssa turning 17, I assumed she meant my daughter, Alyssa and my niece, Brittany. “Yes,” I said, they have really grown into beautiful young women.”
Much to my astonishment, she said, “No, I mean you and Audrey.”
“I can’t believe you and your sister look so old now,” she said rather calmly and somewhat bewildered.
She even sounded distressed by it.
I wasn’t offended. Actually, it just reiterated the fact that I do not want to have a frivolous life because even my mother realizes that time is truly slipping by us all. The rest of the day I kept thinking, “Am I wasting my life? Is my life filled with the important things? Can I stand at the feet of my Savior and not be ashamed?”
I am even more dedicated to leaving behind a legacy of good memories. For the record, I feel forgiveness for everyone who has hurt me. My heart no longer carries hatred for the wrongs done against me. Believe me when I say that was a huge undertaking. There are still scars and the memories creep in to make me sad, but hate is gone. It is such a relief to have let it all go.
I also want Alyssa to know that I have forgiven everyone, whether they asked me to or not. This is an important thing we each need to do. Hatred wears us down and cankers the soul. It’s just not worth harboring negativity.
I love Alyssa with all my heart and every fiber of my being. She is and always will be the sunshine of my morning. She is the fulfillment of the best of motherhood. Alyssa is forgiveness, love, fun, perfume, shoes, electronics and big brown eyes under silky blond hair.
I love my mother beyond words. She gave me life, love and beliefs that shaped everything about me. She is compassion, lace, fabric, sewing needles, chocolate fudge, big hair, self-consciousness, sacrifice, love and long prayers.
I love my dad because he’s my dad no matter which way you look at it. He will always be Old Spice, Elvis’ hairstyle, fuzzy socks, crisp shirts, and a heart that aches to be loved.
I love my sister who I begged my parents to give me. I have more memories with her than all the words written on the internet. She is underwater tea parties, Barbies in the bathtub, brownies, a bird’s nest, and static filled blond hair tickling my nose when we jumped in the bed to sleep together.
I love my niece, Brittany, who is the child of my heart with flaming red hair. She is library books, a tender heart, quick tears, red fingernails, lots of love and a quick, intelligent mind.
And I love the three T’s…Terry (Audrey’s husband), Tom (Mom’s husband) and the other Tom (my husband). Each have their own talents, strengths and a specialness that has made us all love them. Each has touched my life and brought me comfort when my soul has cried out in pain. For that I can not thank them enough and I love them more than they really could possibly know.
So in this somewhat rambling, stream of consciousness type posting, I hope that you can walk away with at least one thing…love.
Love your family.
Hold them close and tight.
Fill your lives with activities to cultivate the loving bond.
I’m feeling more like the song Brooks and Dunn sings called Believe,
- I raise my hands, bow my head
I’m finding more and more truth
in the words written in red
They tell me that there’s more to life
than just what i can see
Oh i believe