Let’s catch up and do a little recap because I need to free my brain of all this stuff today. I’m sure I will sleep better if I just write for awhile. At night we dream to throw out and defragment our brains like a computer, so today I am going to do the same thing with my brain. You just get to be the lucky one to hear what I’m thinking.
In October 2009 when I wrote a post called, “The Nothing,” I had no idea that seven months later I would fall into the abyss of suffering all the symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Since I am not yet free of this monster, I still go to therapy. Believe me when I say PTSD is a monster because it is the biggest, baddest, ugliest, meanest, scariest, painful and crippling monster I’ve ever encountered.
So what have I been doing over the past few weeks? Well, I’m going to tell you…
1. Grain Free Bread Pudding
As you may remember, I make some of the best bread pudding you’ve ever tasted. I can say that because bread pudding is one of my MOST favorite desserts, so I’ve tasted many different kinds, brands and recipes. When all is said and done, my recipe for bread pudding beats them all hands down. Since my bread pudding ranks so high on the favorite and delicious scales, it was completely necessary to revamp it to meet my grain free diet limitations.
I’ve worked at it and can proudly say, I have made a grain free bread pudding that tantalizes the taste buds. I know, you want the recipe, but I’m not ready to start doing all the recipes yet, so you will just have to wait. Remember, patience is a virtue. LOL
2. A Purple Grain Free Dessert
As my brain keeps healing, I have started to feel excitement for food again. It still only comes in spurts, but I’m happy to have spurts instead of no desire at all to cook, create or eat! I’ve also created a purple colored grain free dessert that is quite yummy. I may just call it the “The Purple Dessert” unless I think of a better name when I show you how to make it.
3. Yummy Grain Free Salad
Obviously, I’ve been cooking and concocting food in my kitchen in order to “grainfreeatize” (my made up word) my repertoire of recipes. Sometimes the new dish is totally delicious and looks wonderful. Other times it looks horrible and tastes horrible. Then sometimes it tricks me and looks absolutely phenomenal and tastes worse than Bella’s poop. Okay, I don’t know what Bella’s poop tastes like, but I’m sure it tastes very gross.
One of the things about eating grain free is that the food is usually very fresh. All the processed foods are definitely a thing of my past. Salad has always been a constant in my diet, so creating a more eye appealing salad that is packed with flavor continues to be exciting. I had this one last week…
4. The First Bacon Festival In Richmond, Virginia
Alyssa and I were going to attend the first bacon festival in Richmond, Virginia. Well, actually Alyssa attended and after forty-five minutes she texted me to say that there was NOTHING for her to eat at the festival which also meant there was nothing for me to eat either.
She also said it was extremely hot and very crowded. I immediately was happy that I didn’t make the effort to go. However, during the brief time she was at the Richmond Bacon Festival, the newspaper reporter snapped a picture of the crowd and Alyssa was immediately famous! Well, kind of famous.
5. Chocolate Covered Bacon
With all the talk of bacon that morning, I was really craving chocolate bacon. Why deprive my cravings? There isn’t any reason to deprive myself, so I didn’t which is why I made a very delicious plate full of chocolate bacon to go with my eggs at breakfast. Yes, the flavor of the combination of bacon and chocolate was and is divine.
6. I Am The Redhead Riter’s Hand
Somewhere along the journey in healing my brain and ridding myself of PTSD, I stopped painting my nails. Well, I started doing it again and even went for a pedicure. It was a quiet, relaxing experience that I really enjoyed.
Unfortunately, I became aware of how much my hands have aged, but I rather it be my hands than my face. LOL I have always wanted to be tanned, but I must tell you that I love the shocking contrast of my very white skin and the bright red polish on my nails.
7. The Well Went Dry During Sleeping Sickness
I became a skip-a-day-here-and-there blog poster/tweeter after years of writing everyday, but that was because I fell asleep like I had a sleeping sickness. I literally kept falling asleep WHILE typing. I would wake up with a numb circle on my forehead where it had been resting on my desk. Half the time that there was a post, I had quickly written it in the morning before work. I DON’T like being rushed through a post, but I had no choice.
I also had to skip days because my brain was empty. Literally, my brain seemed to stall and I couldn’t think of even one thing to tell you. Obviously, it isn’t the morning that I’m typing this post AND I don’t have an empty brain. When I’m not in a hurry, I’m more wordy and I actually am a bit funny. Well, I’m funny if you catch my dry sense of humor which I can often express with a blank look on my face and a twinkle in my eyes.
8. Last, But Not Least, Therapy For The PTSD Brain
When a person gets PTSD, their brain is chemically altered. This is a scientific fact, so if you don’t believe me, look it up. Therapy this week was…rough. No, it was really rough and I cried during, but I really cried A LOT afterwards. I actually dreaded going to therapy because I knew it was going to hurt.
I started dreaming while I sleep at night. They are usually terrifying enough to make me wake up screaming. I don’t remember the dreams, but I feel the terror even when my eyes are wide open. Often, I am so terrorized I leap up from a sound sleep and stand staring into the darkness of the room. It is exhausting, but my brain gets clearer. Then without any warning, the dreams stop and I once again have foggy brain.
Foggy brain stinks like a giant pasture full of pigs and cow patties.
Depression sets in when the fog in my brain gets too thick. My PTSD recovery and the journey to get my brain back is three steps forward and two steps back. I’m moving ever forward toward great mental health, but it is a slow progress. HOWEVER, I’m progressing and much faster than most people. Actually, soooooooo many people with PTSD don’t get better and do not regain a full recovery. Their life usually goes to Hell in a hand basket or they kill themselves just to end it all. Going from a fully functioning brain to insanity is not an easy trip and it definitely isn’t a desirable one.
One of the saddest and happiest parts of my recovery is that I’m different. I’ve lost some of my memory retention which is aggravating and sad. On the other hand, I have faced many of my demons and assertively moved forward. All of it has caused me to be a different person in many respects. My attitude, the way I see people, the way I see things, my feelings, my thought patterns, my likes, my dislikes and my assertiveness when people try to walk on me or attack me. It’s strange and scary, but I’m having to get to know myself again.
The past month has been hard, but there have been many happy times in it too.
So I am moving on toward full recovery. I actually really believe I’m going to make it. That’s such a milestone and the words sure are music to my own ears.
I’m winning. Finally.