Alyssa was gone for nine days visiting her father and extended family. She had a wonderfully marvelous time and I am so happy for her. Alyssa’s father took the time off and spent it with her doing fun things, but most importantly he spent the time with her one-on-one.
While Alyssa was gone, I obviously had a lot of time to think about me – my past, present and future. I would have to say that it was rough being brutally honest with myself. Four of the nine days I didn’t blog because not only was my PTSD giving me “foggy head,” but I was feeling rather sad.
Today I went back over the posts that I wrote and it really told a lot about me if you read between the lines. I’m going to make it easy for you and tell you what I see between the lines.
In the first post of the stretch, I started off by telling you about a symptom of my PTSD that really puts a kink in my daily life. Unfortunately, it is still running rampant whenever and however it pleases. Tonight I left the front door key in the lock with the car key dangling from the same key ring. I’ve never done that before and it was a bit unnerving, but the world didn’t end so I’m not going to dwell on it. Just know that the Now You See It, Now You Don’t – PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) symptom is not fun.
The next day, I really needed to write something upbeat, so it was quite easy to post Funny Quotes & Pictures Because I Like To Laugh. The post made me laugh out loud which helped to accomplish my end goal of boosting my spirit if only for a brief time.
Love was the next thing on the agenda. My ultimate goals in life have always been to be loved especially as a wife, mother and writer. Sounds simple doesn’t it? What is that unseen thing we call love? Who Said That Love Was Fire? poetically answers the question in a few short sentences.
Thinking about love caused me to think about people who have cared for me – family, friends I see and friends I know via the Internet. The past three years of struggling with PTSD has been the hardest, scariest and most painful I’ve ever experienced. The Acts Of Kindness In The Depths Of Despair kept me afloat in my ocean of darkness.
The kindness of some people highlighted the selfishness in other people. Going through those experiences and thinking about all those people this week had me tallying up my life. I am loved by family and friends. I see it and know it. However, after two failed marriages, one of the ultimate goals in my life remains a failure. On a particularly lonely night with my heart aching, I revealed that I want Somebody To Love Me. “‘Cause I’m hurt and I’m scared and I’m lonely, all I want is somebody to want me ‘cause I’ve got so much to give.” Once again, it sounds simple, but obviously it must not be if I’ve had two marriages bomb.
I logically know that I can’t “make” someone want me, want to be with me or love me. Those unseen emotions are truly things that no one can force from another human being. Just “knowing” that two people “let me go” makes me feel about as important as a gnat on a discarded old sneaker in the back of the closet. I’m sure my therapist would say that I’m giving both exes too much of my power, but it is a huge self-esteem buster to know that not one, but two people found that I didn’t have much “wifely value” to them. How could I be valueless when I gave everything I was over a 24 year span?
Well, that extremely personal and introspective post expressed the excessive pain that has surfaced in my heart, so I needed to temper it with humor which led to yesterdays’ Chuckle of the Day – Texas, Smile, Cupid, Laugh. They weren’t the funniest I’ve ever shared, but they did give me some chuckles.
Chuckling wasn’t enough to shake the feeling of loneliness and rejection inside my soul. The best things in life are not seen as a tangible item such as a house, car, tree or mountain. However, love can be seen in expressions of self-sacrifice, heard in sweet words and felt in warm embraces.
My grandparents, great grandparents and both exes parents stayed married to the same person all their lives. That one act speaks volumes about them. Obviously I won’t be able to have that same one marriage experience. The really sad part is that the two marriages I’ve had has left me “scared to let someone in” because I “can’t bear to get hurt again” even though I want “to share my life and know my dreams.” It is really a terrible dilemma – open my heart to take a chance and find real love that will grow old with me or stay hidden and lonely with the broken dreams of the past.
Trusting love is not an easy task after my heart has been ripped out of my chest and trampled upon. I took my own advice and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror while saying out loud, “Why would someone want and love you as a wife?” All I saw was a pained, blank stare from hazel eyes. After a couple minutes I walked away from the mirror without an answer. Instead I had another question. “Will anyone love the real me?”
I think my soul is lost in the darkness of rejection and fear. A reassuring and comforting hug would be nice right now. So would a loving kiss that blotted out all thought.