Time for a little nerd word definition! I know you’re so excited that you are now glued to the writing on your monitor. So here it is:
Determination: the act of deciding definitely and firmly; firmness of purpose; resolve; a fixed intention or resolution.
Determination is an attitude of courage and perseverance.
Last year around this time, I made a promise to myself. At the time, I was completely miserable. I had yet to learn about my grain allergy, so my face was constantly aching and it felt like I was gaining a pound a day. I still worked for the same company, but I was doing a totally different job. It was one that I liked, but since my PTSD was still raging, I worried that my work would be terrible. Also, I was filled with rage. Hmmm…let me rewrite that sentence so you can better understand. I was FILLED WITH RAGE!!!!! Yeah, that more accurately describes it. PTSD really comes with a whole lot of rage. Last, but not least, I was in the process of packing because I needed to move into a different home.
With all those things happening, I made a goal and promise to myself that seemed impossible to keep. It went something like this:
I want to be myself again. I don’t want to become an alcoholic, druggie or kill myself while trying to overcome PTSD. I have to find out what I’m allergic to because it is making me sick. I will find out my allergy. I will learn this new job. I will move. I will get rid of PTSD. I will. I will. I will. Please God, help me because I have to get myself back again.
I repeated that kind of self-talk many, many times every single day and into every single night. You see, I’m not the “give up and quit” kind of person. I make up my mind and become determined to succeed with the goal. I may whine, cry and stumble along the way, but I keep moving. I guess to be totally accurate, I should say, I WILL whine, cry and stumble along the way, but I keep moving.
Everyone from the outside looking in may have believed that I was stagnating or dropping further down into depression. I was moving at a snail’s pace most of the time, but I wasn’t a hopeless case. I was just really hurting…really, really, really, really hurting. Really hurting.
Yesterday was my 50th birthday and I spent some time thinking about the last fifty years of my life. Actually, I can remember forty eight of them, so my brain is doing pretty good.
I have an underlying determination in me that has been there throughout my existence. A few times it was almost obliterated, but it remained intact. I have been determined with my promise to myself this past year, so let’s see how far I’ve gotten…
I don’t want to become an alcoholic, druggie or kill myself while trying to overcome PTSD.
So far, so good.
I have to find out what I’m allergic to because it is making me sick. I will find out my allergy.
I did. I’m allergic to grain. Does that make me happy? I’m happy I know what I’m allergic to, but sad that I have to give up grain. Bottom line is that I do know that I have an allergy to grain now.
I will learn this new job.
I have a great job and it is so much nerdy fun!
I will move.
Moving was a nightmare, but I did move. I no longer have all the bruises to prove that I moved a billion boxes, but I’m quite happy that experience is over.
Please God, help me because I have to get myself back again.
I’m not mad at God anymore. I realize everything that happened to me is life. I may have experiences that really stink, but that’s just life.
I want to be myself again. I will get rid of PTSD. I will. I will. I will.
So out of all the promises to myself, I only have one that is not completed. On the one hand, that is a huge pat on the back for me. However, looking at it from the other point of view, I still have PTSD messing up my life. Some of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms are gone because I have worked my fanny off trying to be whole again. You know, I won’t ever be the old me because dreams have died, PTSD changed my body, PTSD changed my mind, PTSD changed my outlook, and life experiences left their stamp on me. But when all is said and done, I will eventually be an even better me.
I will continue to whole-heartedly work through the healing process for my PTSD with determination and strenuous effort. I just have to remember to do it like a lion. It takes so much energy and effort to overcome this mental chaos inside my head, but the end result will be well worth all the work.
I know it.
Now for everyone who thought that my title about a lion doing it meant something else instead of a post about determination, you are probably really disappointed, so go read a very passionate post that is totally different than this one. How’s that for lightening the mood? LOL