Do you remember when I said that my blog was giving birth to multiples? Well, the babies are overdue, but I’m pretty sure they will be delivered naturally the weekend of October 10th. It has been an arduous pregnancy and I think my family is ready to either commit me to an asylum forever or visit me in the cemetery. To their defense, I have been rather obsessive; however, there just isn’t enough time in one day! My natural body clock is more like “stay awake twenty-four hours, sleep eight.” Obviously, that isn’t how the world turns nor is it very conducive to my family’s schedule.
The contest will be fun and the giveaway is exciting. I have not only received products from vendors, but I have been shopping. I wanted the whole experience to be “grand” which meant I couldn’t have cheap gifts. I’ve been stashing everything together, so tonight I pulled it all out to look at and added up the value. Wow! The prizes total over $260 so maybe I will split them in half and have a second contest to share the wealth. How does that sound? I think that will be a great way to celebrate the blog birth and then “take a temperature” a few weeks later!
I was looking at the past five months of blogging…I can’t believe it has already been five months! It has been only one month since I announced my impending blog birth and THAT feels like it has been much longer. Pregnancy feels that way though, doesn’t it?
I remember wanting to conceive a child. It seemed that everyone around me was having one, two, three or more children. My sister and niece lived with me and I had the privilege of playing an important role in both of their lives. The little redheaded girl I write about named Brittany is my niece. Everyone in real life has always mistaken us as mother-daughter and we just go with the flow and I love her like a daughter anyway. It was especially helpful when I had to rush her to the hospital one night because they treated her immediately thinking that I was her mother. My sister wasn’t ever jealous because I have been like a mother to my sister too. As a matter of fact, I even mother my mother because I mother everyone! Anyway, obviously my home wasn’t “childless” and I did get to enjoy the thrill of so many of Brittany’s “firsts.” Actually, we started living together when Brittany was close to two and finally moved out from under the same roof when she was twelve. I love them both dearly and cherish all the wonderful memories.
Even with the thrill of having Brittany, my arms and heart ached for a baby. Going to church on Mother’s Day or watching the young children sing during the service eventually became an impossibility. The pain was just too great. When I read of the struggles of so many women who are trying to have a baby, my thoughts and prayers go out to them. I had just about given up on ever becoming pregnant and then one day I told myself that I didn’t get married because I wanted a “sperm donor” and that I could have a happy life without a child. After “mostly” accepting that fact and almost ten years of marriage, I finally was blessed to conceive and give birth to my sweet daughter Alyssa. That is truly the greatest and most wonderful part of my life. I can say that because from the age of four, the ultimate accomplishment in my mind for me was “motherhood.”
Today, I am still a mother, but my marriage suffered and ended in divorce. Several sweet ladies blog about the pain of recent divorces. I feel your agony and depression as you write about your deepest emotions. Life is hard and feels almost impossible when faced with this trial. No one and nothing brings comfort or peace of mind. There is an overwhelming feeling of failure, regret, sadness and depression that is almost too much to bear. But there is no choice other than “bearing it” and living each day…one minute and sometimes one second at a time.
Now that Alyssa is fast approaching the age of seventeen, I am overwhelmed at the speed at which time has passed. I’ve been with her more hours and minutes than most parents spend with their children (per Alyssa as she compares her life with her friends’ lives) and yet it hasn’t been enough. That sounds very selfish, but hey, I’m human. I have worn many “hats” in my life, but none have been more fulfilling than being Alyssa’s mother. I want to thank her for being patient with my inadequacies and shortcomings.
Being an older mother has its advantages. I have so much patience and enjoy every little thing Alyssa has done from creating a squishy diaper which leaked all over her prissy, ruffled dress, inside her tiny black patent leather shoes, on the recliner, and then plopped and spattered on the floor when I stood up to make my way to the bathroom to clean her; finding her name written with blue crayon in letters twelve inches high on the wall behind the bathroom door and hearing her tell me the reason for doing it was so that she could see her name written really big; finding V-shaped scissor cuts under the arm of the chair and in the lace table cloth on the dining room table, one made by Brittany and one made by Alyssa at different times and different days, but both because they wanted to see what it felt like to cut “real” material; and walking into the kitchen to find that both Alyssa and Brittany were standing precariously on the counter tops searching the cabinets for hidden silly putty. Honestly, I laughed during all of them because these things are just a part of life and looking back, they are hilarious. Why not find humor in gagging at an obnoxious diaper or trying to get vomit chunks out of the carpet? Motherhood is one of the most rewarding experiences this life will ever afford me even with all the messes.
For all my blogging friends who are suffering from loneliness, depression, disease, divorce, death, childlessness, and basic unhappiness, I extend to you my friendship and one quote of wisdom…
interfere with what you can do.”
~John Wooden, They Call Me Coach~
On September 15th, I asked, “Are You Beautiful?” Did you internalize the information you found in that posting? I tried to convey the same message earlier when I uploaded many pictures of “Naked Women” art by the masters. We are all beautiful and special. We all have talents that make us unique. Surely you are convinced of that after reading Courage and Uncommon Valor, Willard Wigan-Hopeless Failure?, Are You Amazing?, Not Just An Egg, and even the strangeness of Pete Goldlust-Crayons and Mutations.
As you wait a little longer for my blog to give birth and for someone to win fab-u-lous gifts, think about your own uniqueness and ways that you can add value and happiness to others that are less fortunate. We are all in this together, whether we want to be or not, so let’s make it as pleasant a journey as possible for one another.
What a difference one person can make!“
~Sasha Azevedo, American Actress, Athlete and Model~