Let me out.
Let me run.
I need to escape.
There have been many times that I wanted to run.
Run from the truth.
Run from reality.
Run from the pain.
Run from myself.
This week, more than once, I’ve wanted to run.
Not feel anything.
To be numb without memories.
Today it reached a deafening crescendo. I decided to run, but when I looked across the room past all the people, the door seemed miles away. If I left, it would take a billion steps before I reached the door and yet if I stayed, all the memories were going to come crashing down. I was trapped. Fear gripped my heart and I couldn’t decide what to do.
Then it was too late to leave.
With each word spoken, memories took over my mind and the pain squeezed my heart so tightly I knew that at any moment sobs were going to explode from my soul or I was going to have a heart attack. There was no way my heart could take all the pain. I struggled to breathe or was I struggling not to breathe? I desperately needed to gain control of my emotions before I embarrassed myself.
I leaned over resting my elbows on my knees, hung my head down, stared at my toes while I let the words poke and prod the memories out of their hiding places. Yes, I could feel the pain now. It hurt. I felt stupid. Foolish. I hated myself all over again. I hated the people that had hurt me. I hated everyone. I hated life. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Why was I still alive? Wasn’t I going to have a heart attack and die?
No, death by heart attack was not the answer.
It ended and I left.
The evening came and I relaxed a bit.
I was still living, but all those memories are like fresh open wounds. Time will once again scab over them until I can really forgive and let them go.
So it is the wee hours of the morning and I am barely awake, yet I can’t sleep. My eyelids weigh a thousand pounds. I’ve search through pictures and tried to think of something to write about for my post. Something funny or uplifting. All I can think about is my day and week. I’m sure my brain is trying to throw it all out and let it go, but my heart got too involved and is just hanging onto every little second of the pain.
Being the referee for my brain and heart is not a fun job.
In the blackness of tonight, I’m wondering who won…the brain or the heart?
That’s an excellent question. Unfortunately, I think both lost something in the fight. The only conclusion I can make is that I just need to take one day at a time. Getting ahead of myself isn’t a way for me to control situations. Not letting go and or reliving the past isn’t going to help me change anything that happened. I made mistakes. I accept my part in all those painful scenarios. All I can do is live now. Eventually it will be time to cope with the remaining past issues. Until then, I will continue to keep my eyes open, my mind alert and my heart safe.
I need to just keep breathing while I heal. What do I always say? Love is the answer to everything and I love myself enough to be gentle with the healing. Actions speak louder than words. Time tells the truth.
I’m really tired now. My brain has exhausted itself thinking and my heart is too tired to feel anymore. Tomorrow will be a new day and opportunity to feel renewed.
Most of all, love.
“Love is the voice under all silences.” ~ E. E. Cummings ~
One day at a time.
After all…we are just humans hoping to be understood and loved.