After dinner, I fell asleep until about 9:30 p.m. and now I can’t go back to sleep.
I felt very uptight, worried, defeated, useless, undesirable, sad and a bit on the hopeless side. It is hard enough changing the things I can change, but it is even harder not being able to change things that are out of my control. Unfortunately, MOST things in life are not in our control.
So while Bella has been snoring on my lap for the past six hours, I’ve been searching the Internet for inspirational stories. Then when I reached the end of the world wide web, I sat down and started reading a book.
It is almost time for the night to turn into morning.
Everything is quiet and peaceful.
I feel an unusual calm.
In the stillness, I took some time to write down the things about myself that I like and don’t want to change. On the opposite side of the page I listed the things that I want to change about myself. Thankfully the “like” side is much longer than the “want to change” side.
Tonight this quote struck me like a 2 by 4 in the face.
“Go as far as you can see. When you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.” ~ Zig Ziglar ~
Zig Ziglar said, “Go as far as you can see.” Well, I’ve done that already. I literally can’t hardly see my hand in front of my face now. I’ve had so much fear going on inside of me that it has been blinding. It has felt like I’ve been falling down a mountain side and although I keep grabbing branches to save me from hitting the bottom, I can’t ever quite hold on tight enough or long enough to the branches in order stop my descent. This journey has been the definition of “out of control.”
I have not liked it and I still do not like it.
Then Ziglar continues his thought by saying, “When you get there, you’ll be able to see farther.”
I’m “farther” and I still don’t see anything.
Wait.
I take that back.
I see where I’ve been and I don’t want to go back there. I also see where I don’t want to go and I’m not going there either.
What else do I see? Hmmm…
I have a few options still.
It feels like my only course of action is to close my eyes and take a huge step this way or that way. That is why I’ve been in such turmoil. I’ve been unable to choose what I’m willing to risk. My life is at the point where I can lose or gain everything.
Do I risk it or play it overly safe?
In the past, I have cared too much what other people thought about what I should do and it led me onto paths that the only loser ended up being me. That’s what happens when a giver gives and gives and gives without getting anything back in return. Eventually the giver is completely given out and there’s nothing left anymore.
While thinking of every scenario possible, I thought of another one that helped put things in perspective. What if I was laid off because it is some master plan for me to spend the last few months of my life finishing up things I haven’t gotten to, expressing my love to people I care about and spending quality time doing those things that mean the most to me? If that is true, why I am fearful and whining about not having a job? Maybe I’m being ungrateful for this time of unemployment which could be the precursor to my death.
I’m not trying to be morbid, but it really could be true! So I have to stop whining and letting my mind run away down all the dark paths it keeps going down.
I am a talented, hardworking, intelligent, fun, loyal, loving woman. If I live and I see no reason for this not to be true (especially since I’m healthy as an old goat since going grain free – yes I had to add that again), I will eventually get a job. The people who really love me, will continue to love me. The sun and moon will continue to take turns rising and setting. All I have to do is accomplish the things I want to do, let go of the things that are hurting me, get rid of the things that are cluttering my life, and follow a plan to simplify my life.
Writing down my plan doesn’t really sound all that hard, so why I have I felt like it has been so hard?
Fear.
I am basically a chicken.
I get paralyzed because I’m so afraid of getting hurt or making a mistake that will wreck the rest of my life.
With that knowledge and the full impact of it revealed to me, the first thing on my list today is to literally live like I was dying. I am going to wipe out the fear and be happy or die trying. Pun intended. 
