Yesterday I thought I made it clear that I knew life is hard in one way or the other for everyone. I don’t have the pain and suffering market cornered. I do know that some people have it a whole lot harder than other people. Why?
Is it because they are bad people?
Is it because they have made terrible choices?
Is it because they hold no value to the human race?
Is it because their mistakes are insurmountable and there is not a way for them to ever have a happy life?
I’m going to step outside of my normal blogging “voice” to clarify something about my individual belief. I am not trying to convince you that there is a God or that you should be a Christian that goes to church each Sunday. With that being said, I don’t want to be crucified in your comments or emails because I do believe in God and am a Christian. If I don’t berate you for not being a Christian, why would you feel the need to berate me for being a Christian?
On second thought, don’t answer that question. I’ve gone through that conversation before and it caused the dissolution of a friendship. Not because I didn’t respect their beliefs and choices, but because they could not respect my right to believe and choose to live my life in the manner that I do as a practicing Christian.
I have not tried to hide my beliefs. They have not been secrets. To the contrary, I posted my testimony of Jesus Christ for my daughter back at the beginning of 2010. At the time, I thought I was going to die and didn’t want to die without leaving her the belief that leads me to live the way that I have chosen to live.
Maybe you’ve heard of or read the book called, “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” by Harold Kushner, a Conservative rabbi. The book tackles the belief that if the universe was created and is currently governed by a loving, good and righteous God, why is there so much suffering and pain in the world? It is a question that has baffled generation after generation of believers and non-believers.
If you read my blog from the first day I published my first post to now, you would say, “This woman has been through some devastating experiences. She has been very unhappy. Through all that unhappiness, she has learned many valuable lessons. More importantly, she never gives up and still keeps trying to improve her skills, have loving relationships and strives not to become bitter at the unfairness of life.”
During the past 5 years, I have experienced the following in no particular order:
- My daughter was in a coma for five days and nearly died.
- I got PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
- I did not have the mental, spiritual, physical, familial, psychological support I needed while I was having PTSD flashbacks every minute of every day for a solid year.
- My father died and the pain of his death is beyond description…still.
- My marriage ended and a huge part of my heart died with it.
- I moved.
- I went through years of intensive therapy so that I could eventually heal from the PTSD and I did heal.
- There were three lay offs over a three year period at my work and each time I suffered months of stress and worry that I was going to be one of the people who lost their job.
- My job responsibilities were changed three times at the same company.
- During the fourth lay off, I was laid off from my job and am currently unemployed. That makes me single and unemployed. Do the math.
- I have a life threatening allergy that went undiagnosed for a year by NINE doctors and it almost killed me one morning. It was finally discovered that I have a grain allergy which means I can’t eat anything with grain in it. That’s a food group. It includes bread, pies, cake and all things yummy. How would you like that diagnosis?
- My finger has been broken and still isn’t healed totally. I may just go chop it off with the butcher knife. Just kidding.
- I have been judged, misunderstood, ridiculed, condemned, and held to a higher standard than anyone else by some of the closest people in my life. How’s that for support? How’s that for support when I’m at the lowest point of my life? Must be nice to be perfect.
Do I sound sarcastic?
Yeah, just a bit because after writing that list, I’ve gotten a bit angry.
Should I list more? Believe it or not, there is actually more things I could add to the list.
No, I think I will stop there. Surely you get the picture now.
I have experienced more of the biggest struggles that people go through than MANY people will experience in their whole life. So before you tell me not to gripe or grumble, I have the right to complain, cry, and be sad. If I became a bitter, old woman, no one would be surprised as to why I did. HOWEVER, I am not a bitter person and I still have a loving, compassionate heart even for the foolish, selfish idiots that hurt me.
It sure felt good to say that paragraph.
People find me to be an EASY target for their cruel words and actions. They act arrogant in their righteousness, intelligence or worldly-wise ways and are SO QUICK to judge or use me. I’m not stupid. I see and know far more than I ever say. Your words and actions DO hurt me, but I try really hard not to throw sludge back in your direction. I try to live by the teachings of Jesus Christ who said:
King James Version, Luke 6:31:
And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.
It’s the golden rule. Treat people the way you want them to treat you.
Is it really that difficult to live that standard?
Is My Life Hard Because I’m Being Punished Or Because My Choices Are Mistakes?
Some of my choices have led me down paths that were hard, however, everything that has happened to me is not because of my mistakes.
Jesus Christ made it quite clear to Christians that even if you are doing the “right” thing, you are not guaranteed a good, easy life. You can have a perfect eternity, but life on this planet may be filled with experiences that feel like you are traveling through Hell.
Having the knowledge that I can have a wonderful eternity does NOT always bring me comfort. I don’t think that makes me a bad person either. It makes me human. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m very human. If knowing that you are going to have a wonderful eternity makes like peachy for you, then I’m happy for you. It doesn’t do the same thing for me.
My life is NOT hard because all my choices are mistakes.
Maybe you should read that again.
My life is NOT hard because all my choices are mistakes.
The mistakes I have made are not because I wanted to mess up my life. The mistakes were made even though I did the best that I knew how to do at the time. Mistakes are challenges and opportunities to broaden our knowledge. They have helped me to be a better person – more intelligent, loving, compassionate and empathetic. Can you say the same about yourself?
I have done the best that I can do with what I’ve had to work with and the knowledge I’ve gained up to this point. If you think that I can do better, then why aren’t you over here helping me? If you see that I’m struggling, then why don’t you step in and be the Christ-like person and help? It is much easier to just sit back and judge me and assume the worst about me in order to make yourself feel better about yourself and your life.
I’m sick of being treated like I’m an option. I’m tired of not getting the best of a relationship when I deserve to be treated with kindness and love. I’m tired of being used just because I’m a nice person. I’m fed up with being judged because I keep my mouth shut instead of unleashing the vile words that you actually deserve for treating me so badly.
Go ahead and judge me. According to Jesus Christ:
King James Version, Matthew 7:1-2:
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
That means you will be judged by the same standard and the same way that you judge me. Are you ready for that judgement of your own life? Are you ready for the God that you believe in to unleash the harsh judgement and uncaring arrogance that you throw my way? Are you going to be able to kneel at His feet and tell Him that you helped me the same way that I helped you?
I’ve learned how to move on. It takes me awhile to face the truth of circumstances and then it takes longer for me to actually cope with them.
So now I’m at the point where I can honestly say…
I forgive you (living and non-living people) for all your ugly words and untrue accusations.
I forgive you for not being there when I needed and need you.
I forgive you for thinking you are better than me.
I forgive you for using me…flat out and blatantly using me.
I forgive you for treating me badly because you feel guilty for flat out and blatantly using me in the past.
I forgive you for cheating on me, lying to me, lying about me, stealing from me, neglecting me, ignoring me, screaming at me, looking down your nose at me, and being unfair with me.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, but you won’t be in my world if you are going to fling cruelty at me. I don’t deserve all this ugliness. I DO BELIEVE that I deserve love, compassion, loyalty, support, attention, and kindness.
My life may look like a huge struggle because IT IS a huge struggle for me. Just when everything was balancing out, I was laid off from my job. It has been extremely hard ever since and I know I’ve complained, grumbled, been filled with fear and hopelessness at times. All I can say is that I’m trying to do the best that I can do. I’m not a bad person. I’ve had to go through all these experiences for a reason that is still unknown to me.
I can tell you one thing for sure…
I’ve struggled a long time. It can’t be too much longer before I finally see an end to all this unhappiness, so I’m remaining determined to get through it. Not only get through it, but to be a better person because of all the heartache.
Do you believe me?
You should believe me because I’m not a quitter and I’m determined to live happily ever after…one way or another…with or without your support. How’s that for being strong and determined?
“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.” ~ Oscar Wilde ~