Today has been unkind to me…very unkind.
I’m going to be honest tonight instead of just not writing a post.
I have been accused of “liking to give advice” more than once in my life, so tonight…no advice. I’m just going to give you the cold, hard truth.
My day started off TERRIBLY and the things that transpired actually made me physically sick. The rest of my weekend didn’t go well either.
So rather than just disappear and say nothing, I’m just going to say that I’m hurting, sad, disappointed and feel hopeless. My wants are so few and I am so often misunderstood. I miss the “old Sherry” in so many ways and yet, in many ways I just hate her.
The “new Sherry” doesn’t really have all the skills to handle what life and other people dish out to her. Relationships baffle me. I am used to being a “yes woman” and allowing people to manipulate me. Not being that way is VERY hard for me and so now, those same people perceive me as being a witch because they can’t manipulate me. I am REALLY rather simple, nice and very accommodating. I JUST want to be loved. I’ve been through Hell and came out of it. I don’t expect a party or standing ovation, but a little understanding would really help.
I vacillate between, “I hate myself because I’m not enough,” to “I’m a strong, good woman with a heart full of love and I am enough.” There is a continual war going on inside my head and other people can sway my opinion rather quickly.
When I open my heart and love someone, I don’t just love them a little bit. I don’t know how to do such a thing. So with my heart wide open, I am completely vulnerable. If the person is in a bad mood, irritated, frustrated or sad and takes it out on me, I’m devastated. Obviously, I need to learn how to cope with other people. Will I ever be able to stop going to therapy?
Today I felt like I should live in a cave with no human contact ever again. I wanted to run away and hide forever. I’m tired of not being able to cope with disappointment, fear or having my feelings hurt. I’ve battled this all my life, so the “new Sherry” is no better at it than the “old Sherry” was at living with her emotions. I thought I loved myself, but maybe I don’t love myself at all. Then again, maybe I am just tired of being taken for granted because I always “seem” to have it all together.
I don’t have it all together.
If this post doesn’t make it obvious, I will say it again…I don’t have it all together.
I am so sad that my job ends on December 31st. My job has been a HUGE part of my life.
I’m lonely…really lonely. I’m sick of talking to myself, a dog and a turtle.
I want to have a companion to share things with everyday. A relationship that is equally give and take by both people.
I’m sick of fighting to be understood.
I’m sick of being “shamed” just because other people want to have their way and don’t want to be unselfish with me.
Tonight I’m actually sad as sad can be and I don’t even care to fight it.
So yeah…this blog post is sad. It is sad because I AM sad…very sad.
Now I’m going to bed and cry myself to sleep.
As promised, I offered no advice.
I’m usually just a girl who writes her blog hoping to help someone. Tonight, I’m just a girl who writes her blog to tell the world she’s sad and feels defeated…very defeated and hopeless.