As I walked through the living room, I saw a GIGANTIC spider laying on the carpeted floor. The VERY LARGE spider didn’t move and Bella wasn’t paying any attention to it, so I moved closer. I looked down at the IMPOSING spider and saw that he was about one inch from the tip of one leg all the way across his body to the end of the opposing leg. The spider’s body was fat and thick.
Like I said, he was a GIANT spider.
The BIG spider was really, really, really scary to me.
Needless to say I was already scared just from looking at the HUGE, black spider.
Out of nowhere the thought made a grand appearance in my head and said, “You would have made a terrible pioneer woman. You would never make it on the plains.”
I thought about that for a second while I stared at the HUMONGOUS unmoving spider.
I am a giant chicken.
I’m a wimp.
I am scared of a one inch spider that hasn’t even moved yet.
I looked closer at the ENORMOUS spider and realized that not only was he not moving, but he was already dead. The SUPER-SIZED spider had chosen my home as his burial ground. What is even worse is that I apparently am scared of a COLOSSAL one inch DEAD spider.
Then I heard that familiar voice in my head again say, “You would have made a terrible wife in the 1800’s.”
Since I am full of self-defeating behaviors and horrible self-talk that no one’s going to tell my therapist about, another thought crossed my mind and this time it actually hurt.
“You are obviously a terrible wife because two men didn’t want you after you married them.”
That voice in my head is often quite WICKED. It knows exactly which buttons to push so that self-doubt gets prodded into self-loathing.
This time, however, it didn’t completely work because I know I’m not a terrible wife when I have a husband. That voice should have been more subtle and it might have convinced me.
Anyway, as I’m still standing over the MAMMOTH spider, I remembered something Joan told me.
Joan, a screenwriter who lives in California, asked me to do something technical for her a couple weeks ago. When I was finished, she said, “You are amazing at this technical stuff!” or something close to that statement.
My laughing reply to her was, “I know! Ha! Ha!”
There was a slight pause and then Joan said in a somewhat serious tone, “When someone gives you a compliment about non-technical things, why don’t you have that same attitude and self-belief?”
“What a DUMB question!” I thought to myself. The longer the question floated around my brain, the more I realized that it was actually a very baffling question and not one that I could really answer.
So I’m standing over the GARGANTUAN dead spider thinking about how he is dead and I don’t need to be scared anymore. Followed by the thoughts that I would make a terrible wife in the 1800’s, but I was a good wife twice. The final thought being that I have all the confidence in the world in my skills, but not in personality traits or in my physical appearance.
I carefully picked up the MONSTROUS dead spider and wrapped it in tissue while my very cute dog continued to completely ignore me.
Standing quite still with the tissue covered JUMBO dead spider in my hand, I realized that I don’t have to put myself down for not being savvy with insects, being unable to birth numerous babies in a log cabin in the back woods without medical help or that I don’t have a huge garden that can feed my entire family.
Why have I always felt that I have to be able to do everything and do everything perfectly in order to have value?
My focus should be on the things I do really well and improve upon them.
I do not have to be good at everything or be everything to all people in order to be liked or loved.
Just as I give everyone the opportunity to be their own self, I have to give myself the opportunity to be unique. That’s a hard thing for a people-pleaser to not only admit, but to adhere to daily while putting it into practice.
Giving unconditional love to others is so much easier than unconditional love and acceptance for myself.
It has been a hard lesson to learn, but I finally realize that I am NOT going to be understood by all people. PTSD is not going to be understood by all people no matter how eloquently I try to teach it. The most I can do is inform people who are willing to step out of their comfortable cocoons and listen.
Believe it or not, there are people who think that there is no such thing as PTSD. There are also people you are close-minded and think that the only right way is their way. That totally opens another can of worms that I am going to let stay closed for now.
The BIG dead spider taught me a lesson today.
Poor dead HULKING dead spider.
I’m glad Bella didn’t eat it.
My lesson today wasn’t that I wouldn’t have been a good wife in the 1800’s. Instead my lesson today was that I have an individual strength just like the women did in the 1800’s. I’m just as valuable and important as any woman in the 1800’s or anyone who has ever lived on this planet.
We are our own worst enemy.
That is also the truth for you. We all have self-worth and different strengths. We should remember that we cannot be duplicated.
We are an original.
Therefore we are priceless.
How much better does it get than priceless?
It doesn’t get any better than priceless.
I am a priceless original worthy of love and happiness.
You are a priceless original worthy of love and happiness.
Is it really THAT hard to appreciate the value in each other and give love to one another?