**Warning: This is a pathetic and depressing post.**
I had a very, very, very bad day. So many things went wrong that I can’t even begin to list them all. While struggling with all the emotions that the events of the day caused, I tried to pull some of the stuff I’ve learned from therapy out of my brain. That’s what I go to therapy for, so I might as well do more with the information than just sit for an hour in front of the therapist.
Before I go further…yes Mom, I did pray. Actually, I cried out for God to help, so please don’t leave me a preachy comment. Wherever God was, I sure didn’t hear him say anything to me. I’m not trying to sound mean, but I just want to avoid the usual comment of telling me to pray and wait for God’s timing.
So I had to start piecing myself back together to get control of the pain that was engulfing me. That meant I had to start with the basics. Unfortunately, the first step is always the hardest. So I went to the bathroom and turned on the billion watts of light that illuminated my tear-stained face and swollen eyes. It is hard to believe that I still have tears left after all the crying I’ve done in the last eight years.
I’m going to share this with you because that’s what I do on this blog and maybe it will help you know that I have suffered. I know pain. Besides, I’ve been crying too hard to talk on the phone and everyone is already asleep by now.
Standing in the bright lights, looking at myself in pajamas and no makeup, the truth always reveals itself. Unfortunately, the truth usually makes me cry more. After staring at the pathetic person in the mirror, leaning over the counter and then laying across the counter sobbing, I came to a conclusion…
Actually, I’m very simple.
Definition of Simple
- free from guile (not deceitfully cunning)
- free from vanity : modest
- free from ostentation or display (example: a simple outfit)
- of humble origin or modest position (example: a simple farmer)
- lacking in knowledge or expertise (example: a simple amateur of the arts)
- not socially or culturally sophisticated : naive
- sheer, unmixed (example: simple honesty)
When I was in high school, I was smart and that’s about all I had going for me. I never dated because no one ever asked – not even for my prom. They didn’t ask because I was not only shy, but I was ugly compared to the other girls who had guys hanging around them. Of course, I am in a family of women who fit the description of “the other girls” back in my high school days. They all have always been beautiful and didn’t lack for male attention when they wanted it.
Being somewhat of an outcast hurt me…very badly. I’ve always compared myself to my mother, sister, niece or daughter. I don’t even compare to their beauty and social smarts. I feel so alone and that’s exactly how I felt while I stared in the mirror of my bathroom. Alone and the 6th definition of “simple” as shown above…stupid.
While my body heaved sobs into my bathroom sink a thought popped into my head. It was the same thought that lived in my brain while I navigated through high school and college. I’m “less” than other people and that is why I’ve bombed at marriage twice and am living alone now.
I don’t have a drop dead gorgeous body with a golden tan.
I’m not the smartest, richest woman in the world.
I don’t have super exciting things to talk about all the time.
Maybe I’m not even that fun to be around.
I really am very much a nerd.
I am easy to ignore.
Obviously, the conclusion is that I must be less than other women!
Oh yes, I’m hurting, sad and pretty much loathing myself. Actually, my heart is breaking. I’ve tried so hard for so long. I just want my brain back all the way and I want to be loved all the time by someone who wants to grow old with me. Seriously, is that really too much to expect when I give one hundred percent?!
Marriages end everyday. People do all kinds of things to destroy a relationship. Some people hang on while others have no problem just letting go. Then you have to throw in the fact that men and women are extremely different. It makes me wonder how any relationship lasts with so many differences and obstacles. But then I go back to believing that maybe it is just me because I know many marriages and relationships that last and last and last.
Instead, tonight I am at home to suffer all the pain of the events of today alone and it is killing me.
My therapist probably wouldn’t be very happy with me right now, but all that stuff she has said seems to have disappeared. Her words of great advice have been swallowed up by the pain, fear and disappointment. I think I’ve taken 100 steps forward and 500 steps back.
Life is so unpredictable. A month ago I was smoothly sailing along and thinking that it was all uphill for awhile. I want it to be uphill. I need it to be uphill. Why do I have to have so many downhills? I’m feeling very sorry for myself…publicly…and that is probably worse than just feeling sorry for myself and faking a smile in public.
My eyes hurt. I wonder if I will even be able to fall asleep because my eyelids seem stuck in the open position. Even worse, will I fall asleep and not wake up in time to get to my meeting at work in the morning? This overwhelming sadness makes me feel like throwing up.
For the record…
Being alone sucks.
Being simple sucks.
Being ignored sucks.
Being me tonight sucks.
Being me tonight sucks.
Oh, did I say that twice?
Being me tonight is killing me. Can I be you for awhile?