Every week without fail, I am told, “It is mind-boggling that you are so afflicted with such terrible PTSD symptoms and yet you continue to write an interesting blog post just about every day.” So when three different people said that same thing to me yesterday, I stopped to really think about it at length.
The short explanation to this baffling observance is really not a mystery at all. I have always been drawn to books, words and writing, so being immersed in them brings me comfort, peace and order. So each day after suffering numerous PTSD symptoms, I would sit quietly in front of the computer and concentrate on the blank post box. With my fingers resting gingerly on the keyboard, my thoughts would flow through my fingertips. Before I realized it, hours had passed and a post had been written.
Not only was there a new blog post, but my mind for those hours became less foggy and wasn’t so jumbled. As long as no one knocked on the door, turned the television loud, dropped the shampoo in the shower and no fire engines screamed by my home, many of my PTSD symptoms slowed down their torment considerably. The moment I stopped typing or got up from the computer, everything would crash back down around me and I started the horrible waltz with PTSD.
Writing has saved me.
How many ways did it save me? That information will fill an entire chapter or two of the book that I’m writing. Communicating my thoughts each day helped me to hang onto life. Writing was the only thing that I could engage in and feel normal.
Up until recently, I felt rather hopelessly lost in PTSD Hell and filled with fear that I would never be rid of it. I had become very depressed and since I also had an undiagnosed grain allergy, my outlook for the future was completely without hope. Everything about my future was sad, empty and colorless.
The desire to give up was strong, but how exactly does a person give up? Hmmm…there are many ways to quit living, but obviously I didn’t succumb completely to any of them since I’m still writing a post every day.
There have been many improvements and today I had a wonderful thing happen to me. On two separate occasions today, a co-worker walked into my office and I did not get startled. Seriously, think about this for just a minute because it is a phenomenal accomplishment that proves I am progressing. They walked into my office while I was engrossed in an Excel spreadsheet and I didn’t experience:
- a racing heart
- sweaty palms
- immediate headache
- lurching stomach that felt like I was going to throw up
- confusion and brain fog
- muscle spasms
- the urge to run
- and I didn’t leap out of my chair
Actually, instead of feeling any of those PTSD symptoms, I was calm as a cucumber. Then it hit me! I didn’t have any symptoms!!! I couldn’t hardly concentrate on what the two people were saying because I was so excited!
I remember what it felt like to have normal reactions and it has been so LONG since I’ve had the pleasure of feeling them. Having PTSD doesn’t have to be the end of happiness or life. However, the only way to rid yourself of the agony is to remain determined to find a solution. The desire to be “well” has to permeate every cell and cause you to stay in a continual search for the abolition of PTSD in your life.
Today I felt color returning along with hope and happiness.