It wasn’t long ago when I shared my belief that one person can make a difference. Do you think that’s true?
Today Mission Small Business and LivingSocial announced the twelve winners of the $250,000.00 small business grant. As you may recall, I asked that you cast your vote for Wendy Lozano’s Cool Kidz Cuts. This contest had nearly 70,000 businesses participate and 3.1 million consumers vote. Who were the winners?
Hmmm…Do you see Wendy’s picture in the group of twelve winners?
Sadly, no. Wendy and Cool Kidz Cuts did not win the grant which leads me to ask an important question…Was all the effort worth it to try and help Wendy win since in the end she lost the contest?
Give Up Or Try And Try Again?
Long ago, (according to The World Bank, 1994, World Development Report 1994: Infrastructure for Development, New York, N.Y., Oxford University Press) Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”
10,000? Do you look at 10,000 attempts as failures or ways that will not work? Your answer to that question will correspond to your answer as to whether you give up or try again when success doesn’t happen after you put a bunch of effort into something.
When I started helping Wendy try to win the $250,000.00 small business grant, I knew it was a long shot. However, I also knew that twelve people were going to win, so she had a chance. While tweeting about it for a month, I kept a positive attitude that Wendy would win. Now that the announcement has come out and Wendy didn’t get the grant, I am still glad that we tried.
Many people were involved in helping Wendy get the word out about the contest and to get votes. I believe that each person learned some valuable lessons during the experience. I’m disappointed that Wendy didn’t win, but I don’t regret the effort I made on her behalf. I don’t think we failed. We didn’t get the grant, but that isn’t a failure. I see it as an opportunity where I learned a few things about Twitter marketing, people on the internet and myself.
I am a “glass half full” for everyone else and a “glass half empty” for myself. Why? No, let me ask that differently…WHY???!!!!!!
It is very easy for me to BELIEVE success for other people, but when it gets to my own life, I’m blinded with the fear of failure. Never before has it been so apparent to me that I am scared of being thought of as an “unaccomplished, not interesting, never did anything worth remembering” kind of person. My personal life right now is…(big sigh) in shambles. This is how it floats around in my logical mind all day long:
I have PTSD.
I’m getting therapy which is paid for by my insurance.
I have insurance because I have a job.
My employer is going to layoff lots of people soon.
If I lose my job, I lose my insurance which means I have to quit therapy.
It also means that I will have to live with someone in my family. Of course, some of those people see me as an intrusion into their life and an inconvenience, so I’m not so sure they would really let me live with them.
What does all that amount to in my mind? I see it as I’m obviously a failure. If I lose my job, I will be almost fifty years old, unmarried, without a job, not living in my own home and living with family members who see me as an inconvenience. Thomas Edison would probably have the attitude of try harder. I have the attitude of just giving up. I’ve worked so hard and now I feel that I have nothing to show for it except for a broken heart and empty dreams.
You may be thinking that I’m being dramatic or stupid and that’s your right to think whatever you want to think. My mother would quote the Bible and say that God won’t give anyone more than they can handle, but I don’t really care what my mother, the Bible or God says today. I am tired of trying to get rid of PTSD symptoms and look normal while having them, earn a living at a company that keeps threatening layoffs and smile when I feel like crying. So if I lose my job and have to live with other people where I’m not wanted, I will feel like giving up completely.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself and I am scared what the future will bring for me. PTSD makes the whole job thing re-traumatizing. The PTSD symptoms have become more pronounced and the small amount of control that I had on them has slipped away. I actually cry all the time now. You wouldn’t believe how many times I have to reapply mascara while I’m at work.
You see, I kept telling myself that as long as I had a good job and was self-sufficient, everything else would eventually iron itself out. But now with the whole loss of job thing hanging over my head, I no longer feel safe or self-reliant.
I’m not a very political person. Tonight was the first time I’ve ever watched a whole convention on television. I plan to watch the other one and both candidates this week too. As I listened to Ann Romney talk about her first years with Mitt, I could see the makeshift ironing board-turned-dining room table she described. But do you know what hit me the hardest? Ann has a soft place to fall. She has a husband who has worked hard to provide for his family, stood beside her through MS, breast cancer and raising five sons. I’m happy for her and for all the other women in the world who have “someone” that provides that soft place to fall when the world starts closing in on them.
I don’t have that and I guess I’ve never had it.
Before everyone starts telling me that I have God, let me just tell you to save your typing fingers. I don’t have as much faith as a mustard seed, I don’t do everything I’m “supposed to do” as my mother constantly reminds me, and my PTSD is so loud that I couldn’t hear God unless he were shouting at the top of his lungs.
Well, on that depressing note, I’m going to bed. I worked late tonight, cried a lot, fought the startle reflex all day and I’m tired. Sending you all virtual hugs.