Once Upon A Time He Said He Loved Me – Why Women Believe

by Sherry Riter in Love,Marriage,Marriage series,Self-Development  

Why did you believe him?

I can look at my marriage relationships in two ways: I’m either a two time loser or I’ve tried two times to find a compatible partner. I vacillate between both thoughts and it just depends on the day and my mood, but most of the time I think I stand somewhere in the middle. Marriage taught me so many things about myself and even more about men. I can tell you something that I am unequivocally sure of and that is men and women are EXTREMELY different beings!

The History For Most Women

It all starts with “Once upon a time…” and ends with “And they lived happily ever after.”

That is such a loaded sentence. Fairy tales are simply nice stories that brainwash little girls to think that a guy will swoop them off their feet, completely respect them, never hurt their feelings, totally take care of all their physical and emotional needs, have plenty of money so there will never be a financial worry, protect her from all evil people, be absolutely the most gorgeous man that walked the planet AND their whole life will be as happy as the wedding day.

Oh goodness! Somebody point me to the bathroom so I can throw up.

Before I go any further, I have to confess that I read the fairy tales to Brittany and Alyssa, so I did my part in the brainwashing scheme. I’m sorry, but I’m here now to try and undo some of the damage I have done.

Talking – Communication – Chatter – Language

Twitter helped me come up with my manly communication epiphany (the perfect way to talk to men) and the Magnificent Seven at lunch continue to expand my knowledge on the numerous differences between men and women. No, I didn’t come up with that name for them – they have named themselves. (rolling eyes)

I can write until my eyes bug out and my fingers cramp, but I cannot continually talk day after day after day. In all honesty, if I talk too much in one day my voice goes hoarse. I just don’t use my vocal chords that much I guess. So, although I can write a billion words without stopping, I am not a chatter-box in the flesh. That is why I have lunch with the Magnificent Seven. They talk, but it is not a constant chatter about a billion things. I need some peace in order for my food to digest! The men also do not talk all at the same time or try to talk over each other. Of course, their topics are very different than when a group of women get together too.

If you watch them, the scene is something like this: They will take a bite of their food, chew, say a sentence, laugh, take another bite, laugh and then there is silence until someone else finally thinks of something to say. The subjects of discussion include such things as motorcycles, cars, trucks, house repairs, stereo speakers, lawn care, television shows, movies, hunting, politics, aggravating things their wives and children do, vacation plans, restaurants, food and electronics of all kinds.

They laugh a lot.

A lot.

Sometimes they are so into being men that I totally do not understand why something is funny, so they have to explain it to me. Somehow that always causes more laughter, but I’m just glad they take the time to explain it! Usually by the time I finally “get it,” I am once again squarely reminded that our genders are so very different.

I think one of the most important things I have learned is that on average, men have simple wants and desires. Men are basic. It is easy to understand men because they just “say” what they are thinking and/or feeling. They also live in the now – peacefully and without a bunch of self-inflicted rules. On the flip side, women are extremely complicated and have far too many rules, hidden agendas and expectations of themselves and everyone else. The reason why women are that way is because of my first point – they have been brainwashed to think that “Once upon a time…happily every after.”

“You said I was all you’d ever need
Love is blind and little did I know
That you were just another dead-end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams”
~Julie Roberts

He Said He Loved Me

There are a few things women crave and right at the top of the list is hearing a man say, “I love you.” Once she hears those three little words, the visions in her head work overtime on thoughts of white lace, a home, children, cooking holiday meals and the list goes on and on. To her, those words mean, “He’s mine forever and we will live happily ever after.”

(LOUD ALARM ringing)

When a man says, “I love you,” it does not mean all that other stuff every time. Men live in the present…right now. If he says, “I love you,” then he might just be saying it to get his way or he may really be feeling that wonderful feeling right now, but he may not necessarily want to be your husband, the father of your children or see your face every morning on the pillow next to his.


Well, there are several reasons that men will say, “I love you” and not really feel it, but I think the one at the top of the list is that the woman forces the man to say, “I love you.” If the woman keeps saying, “I love you” over and over and over and over, often the man will reciprocate just to get her to shut up nagging him about it. I understand both sides, but the solution is that the woman should just wait until the man says it first in actions and words. If she waits and he never says “I love you,” then he doesn’t feel it! No matter how many times the woman says, “I love you,” it is not going to change the man’s mind or heart. He may not ever love the woman. This is a reality women need to learn to accept.

I didn’t do that, so that isn’t what happened with my marriages.

Men And Women

The next most prevalent mistake women make in relationships is the false belief that just because she can whip up a quiche before going to work and then, after she gets home, clean the house and cook dinner while ironing fifteen loads of laundry in record time, the man is going to be madly in love with her because she can do so many things proficiently.

Pah-leez! Since when was loving someone measured by how many things they can do in the shortest amount of time or how many talents they possess?

As ridiculous as it sounds, this is where I have failed. This “was” my fatal flaw. I’m definitely stressing “was” because that is my past weakness. I felt that if I was the “perfect” woman, I would be loved forever.

Hogwash! Two things are totally wrong with that line of thinking. There is no such a thing as a perfect woman! Wonder Woman is a comic book character and not a real life model. Secondly, no one can control how another person feels. People can be influenced, but you can’t make someone FEEL love for you if they don’t feel it! Obviously, it was totally irrelevant that I could “bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan,” because my relationships ended. I’m living proof that the love of a man is not obtained by striving to do lots of things well.

I have learned that when I excel at something, I am doing it for ME. It is not necessary for me to prove to anyone that I have talents. Besides, my talents are not related to me being lovable. The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other… I am lovable because I am ME. I don’t have to be great at anything other than being ME! What a relief! It sure has taken off all that pressure to perform well in every area of living. In fact, it has made life so much happier and I feel much more relaxed. Being ME isn’t so hard since I don’t have a list of 1,000 self-imposed expectations that I must accomplish in heroic fashion while being completely stressed out.

Why Did You Believe Him?

Most women feel incomplete without the “Once upon a time…happily every after.” Not only do they feel the need to mate in order to have children, they also crave the companionship. NOTHING is wrong with feeling this way! Love is a beautiful emotion! However, most women are not educated in the art of choosing love wisely.

Women settle.

The moment they hear the words, “I love you,” often reason and logic fly out the window. The musical melody is so beautiful to the heart that the brain simply doesn’t stand a chance or get to voice an opinion.

When I used to go shopping with Alyssa when she was young, I always did the same thing when she wanted to spend her money on something expensive on a whim. It didn’t matter how much she wanted the item at the moment, I always told her, “We will come back tomorrow and if you still want it, then I will let you buy it.” Of course, that took the wind out of her sails, but she would agree. What do you think happened the next day when I asked if she wanted to go back to the store and buy the product? Almost every time she would say something like, “No Mom. It will take too much of my money and I don’t want it that much.”

Yep. Exactly. In the heat of the moment, the desire for it was there, but after a good night’s rest and further contemplation, she discovered that it wasn’t worth the price she would have to pay.

That is the message.

Just because someone loves you, it doesn’t mean that they are the right person for you to share your future and dreams with every day. The brain needs to have a part in the discussion of your future. If the love is freely felt by both and the other elements in the relationship make sense to the brain, then it can be a successful union. It can be a companionship that you can rely upon. Someone who will be strong when you are weak. There will be laughter, fun, sharing, caring, passion and lots of love that will grow each day.

Is this a guarantee?

No! Nothing in life is guaranteed except for death. However, making a choice based on more than passion and three words will get you the closest to the wish of “Once upon a time…happily ever after.”

The Redhead Riter

This post was written by...

Sherry Riter is also known as The Redhead Riter. Sherry is witty, intelligent and addictive as she writes about cooking, family, marriage, failures, blogging tips, art, humor, inspiration, travel, PTSD and aging. Her goal is to inspire, motivate, educate and to make her audience laugh. Sherry embraces being a redhead and helps others to see the redhead point of view…"In some eras redheads were worshipped while others thought us witches. Personally, I like the former and think every day is 'Love a redhead day!'" She can also be found on Facebook, Google+, Pinterest, StumbleUpon, Linkedin, tweeting as @TheRedheadRiter and you can subscribe to her free blog feed.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Cindi June 4, 2012 at 9:14 pm

How did you get so smart? I have been married twice and am again in the dating arena. I really just want a nice man, who is honest and loving.I’m not giving up! He is out there somewhere, but in the meantime, I’m getting to enjoy knowing me. Thanks for the good post. I really enjoyed it.


2 The Redhead Riter June 5, 2012 at 2:07 am

LOL Thank you, Cindi. I don’t feel all that smart especially when it comes to men.

By the way, getting to know yourself is the best thing you can do.

Thanks for reading the post. I’m glad you enjoyed it.


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