It is difficult for me to “believe” that good things are going to happen while I am in the middle of hard times. And on top of it all, my life has been one hard time after the next without even a chance to breathe between them.
I feel like a part of me has died. I guess part of me did die when I held my child as she turned bluer and bluer. The whole five days I leaned over the railing of her hospital bed staring at her kept me paralyzed with fear that I could lose her forever. Trying to cope during the fifteen months following that horrific event almost put the last nail in my coffin.
I won’t ever be the same person again. It has changed me.
I miss myself – the girl who felt so empowered and hopeful about her life. The girl who was somewhat naive and ignorant..
The other day the sky was cloudy with huge gray clouds. I stood at the big window and looked at the vastness of the sky above. The clouds were crashing into each other like ocean waves. All of a sudden, a hole opened in the clouds and bright sunshine billowed through it.
The sun was so piercingly bright and as I turned, the rays had illuminated my living room. Bella took the opportunity to bask in the only sun we would get that day.
Bella was so peaceful and content. That’s when it hit me. Just because it had been cloudy all day, it didn’t stop Bella from enjoying the moment of sunshine. She is an animal with the right attitude. I am a human with more brains and the wrong attitude.
The big storm was like my life – even though the gray clouds loom ever present around me, I need to learn how to enjoy the small bit of sunshine when it becomes available. I also need to find hope that there will be sunshine bursts again.
I’m sure that many people have suffered through awful experiences especially since the economy has been so terrible in our country for the last couple years. I do not know how you all keep having hope and believing in a brighter tomorrow, but I can tell that you do. The crazy thing is that I believe and have lots of hope for your positive future too, but I no longer envision it for myself. Doesn’t make much sense does it?
My sweet friend, Joan, told me to listen to Steve Jobs’2005 Stanford Commencement Address and I soaked up every word. His speech is even more poignant because of his passing. Steve’s life is proof that he walked the talk. Steve always believed in bright sunshine full of opportunity.
After listening to the video and shedding a few tears, I searched for a poem that I heard a very long time ago so that I could share it with you. I think it conveys a message of hope that we could all benefit from hearing.
The Man Who Thinks He Can
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but think you can’t
It’s almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will;
It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are.
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the man who wins
Is the one who thinks he can.
~Walter D. Wintle~
- Poems That Live Forever, comp. Hazel Feldman 1965