I thought I was going to be the highlight of The Guinness Book Of World Records for my brain exploding like an atomic bomb, but it didn’t happen.
For a little history, everyone in my family is plagued with migraine headaches except for me. I am thrilled that I was left out of THAT family trait. I also don’t ever get headaches. Well, I rarely ever have a headache, but for the past three days I’ve had a serious pain throbbing by entire brain.
Not a migraine.
Not allergy induced.
Not the lack of food or the wrong food.
Not sinus problems.
It was just a headache that constantly pounded hard especially when I leaned down even if only slightly. Each time the headache pulsed, it forced my head to expand twelve inches all the way around.
Okay, so it didn’t really make my head expand, but that is the way it felt.
Since I am a doctor, I was sure that it must be my blood pressure.
Okay, so I’m not a doctor either, but don’t even try to tell me that you don’t self-diagnose your problems.
Since I already had an appointment with my regular doctor today, I thought I would just tell her about it.
There is always a little pre-planning before I go to any doctor appointment because I make sure that everything is just right…
My underclothes are matching.
Armpits and legs are shaved smooth as silk.
Nails are all the same length.
My entire body is covered with lotion.
Yes, I am obsessive, but I don’t want to look like I neglect the only body I am ever going be able to call my own. Plus, I never know how much of my body is going to actually be seen.
Anyway, I see the doctor and my blood pressure is perfect even though I am sitting there with an exploding headache. To make sure that nothing is totally out of whack, the doctor orders my blood to be drawn and sent for analysis.
No, it isn’t really lovely because I often faint when my blood is taken.
Are you laughing or rolling your eyes? I can’t help it! Blood coming out of my body and filling tubes is just sickening!
Anyway, the doctor directs me to the waiting room reserved for people who need x-rays or blood work.
It was just a narrow and boring semi-room.
To the right was the room I just came out of, the x-ray room and the nurses’ station.
To the left was (insert Jaws music) the office of the nurse who would be sucking the blood from my veins with a needle.
Just as I sit down, I see a VERY nice looking man with a slim bag saunter into the room with the nurse. I can hear everything they say and since I had nothing better to do, I sat listening like a spy in a James Bond movie.
The man starts talking about the weather and exclaims, “I’m from Florida, so just show me the sun.”
“Ha! Ha! Ha!” laughs the nurse in the nervous laugh women have when they are around a very sexy man. Don’t even pretend! You know exactly which laugh!.
The conversation about the weather, their spouses, children and cars seems to last forever. Just when I start wondering why in the heck this man is monopolizing the Vampire Nurse, they start talking about pharmaceutical supplies.
Ahhhhhh, yes. I finally understood who this guy was and why he was so handsome. The most handsome and charismatic men are those that work for pharmaceutical companies and visit doctors’ offices! Ladies, tell me you know I’m right!
For another five minutes, I just sat quietly and waited.
After the man leaves, the Vampire Nurse calls my name. Since her cheeks are flushed and I have heard her laughing for the last fifteen minutes, I figured Vampire Nurse was going to be a good mood.
I sat down in the funny chair and told her that I have a tendency to faint, but if she talks while she is drawing the blood, the chances that it will happen lessen dramatically. I figured this would be easy for the Vampire Nurse because she has been having a jolly good time chatting with the handsome man.
Apparently, the handsome man took Vampire Nurse’s voice and good mood with him. She stuck my arm and didn’t say a word until she was almost finished taking out 500 vials of blood. I may be exaggerating the number of vials, but not by much.
I didn’t faint because my mind was so occupied with the dramatic change in the Vampire Nurse’s mood which went from giggling and flushed woman to totally silent, non-smiling nurse.
Aren’t we such funny creatures? My new prayer is, “Please don’t ever let me giggle like a school girl when I’m with handsome men.”
On a side note…a few hours later, my headache went away. Maybe it was because I kept thinking about the handsome man that looked like Richard Gere, Keanu Reeves and George Clooney all rolled into one body…and what a wonderful body.
Like I said, we are funny creatures.