Most of the time I offer positive, inspirational and uplifting blogging messages for several reasons:
- When my daughter reads my blog which is basically my journal writings to her, she will have my comfort even if I am no longer living on this earth.
- I believe that if I hear, read and speak positive thoughts then my attitude will help me make it through the more difficult mountains in life.
- I want to positively inspire my readers to believe in their inherent value as human beings and let them know that they are never alone – I too have suffered and understand far more than I have even blogged about thus far.
With that said, I sit in front of my computer monitor feeling like an alien from another planet, completely out of oomph and inspiration. This posting is really for my family because I know at this point they are speechless and do not know how to help me. So if you don’t want to know the darker side of The Redhead Riter, there is that little “x” in the top right hand corner that is beckoning your cursor to click it. Otherwise, here I go with the raw emotions…
Let’s start with Alyssa’s tragedy. Having Alyssa’s life hang by a thread for five days in the middle of May changed me as I know it has changed my family in one way or the other. I think as my child lay unconscious in the intensive care unit, a piece of my mind went insane, jumped off a cliff and died.
I was already struggling to financially support my family because my husband was without work, so the financial strain along with the medical tragedy of my only child, proved to be too much for my mind to handle. Even when she was out of the woods and lived, my mind was still in a foggy mess somewhere in another uncharted galaxy.
But…I pushed on and continued to try to be and do my best in all areas of life. My family often wanted me to SNAP out of it and the lecturing has been endless because they don’t know what else to do, but it just really made it worse in many ways.
Personally, I think I have failed miserably, but that is irrelevant at this point.
Then in August, after almost a year, my husband gets hired by another firm and I start to feel the weight and responsibility of all the financial obligations lift from my shoulders. I even begin to genuinely feel happy without faking it. I started to make a concerted effort to help my brain get over so much trauma.
It appeared that life just might be stable and be easier.
Appearances are deceiving.
Every day I talked to my Dad a minimum of twenty minutes, but often he would forget that he had already told me of his latest antics or new joke and he would call me back in a few hours to repeat it all again. I was always happy just to hear his voice since I was deprived of that relationship for so many years. So when he called or vice versa, any conversation was better than none. I usually hung on his every word like a first grade little girl. Pathetic isn’t it?
I do know that it was Dad’s choice to leave me out of his life for so long, but forgiveness means that you simply let it go. I did and that is why I enjoyed years and years of very wonderful phone conversations and visits with him. Forgiveness is so freeing to the heart, mind and spirit.
At that point of my life, I was able to talk to Mom and Dad every single day. I finally felt the healing powers of parents that love me. It is a priceless gift. Something deep inside me was “fixing” itself with each communication.
But my happiness was too short lived and even though my mind was still foggy and shaken from the “Alyssa experience,” I was thrust into the fearful and agonizing world of Dad having cancer. Not just any cancer, but two of the most aggressive cancers which manifested in his lungs and bones.
I got on my knees and cried, screamed and agonized with “God’s will” which is far over rated. I couldn’t pray the “right” Christian prayer. Since Dad was going to die and there was no way to “cure” him, I begged God to take him quickly. I didn’t add “thy will be done” to the prayer because I simply wanted Dad to die quickly and not suffer or I wanted a complete miracle.
My soul was tormented with pain. I ached inside with the pain from knowing I was losing Dad and losing the opportunity to make up for lost time even if it was just a notion in my head. All that was heaped on top of still suffering the trauma (diagnosed as PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Styndrome) from Alyssa’s near death. Although I desperately wanted to be selfish and keep Dad here on the earth, I just couldn’t pray for him to stay longer while in agonizing cancer pain.
Two months after the cancer diagnosis Dad died. I believe his spiritual body stepped out of his mortal body as he left me behind to cope with the huge gap in my life that only he could fill. All hopes of Dad living with me some day were shattered as he took his last breath. I can’t ever lift the phone and hear his voice tell me anything nor can I put my arms around his neck and smell Old Spice. I can’t hear him share excitement over cooking a new recipe or laugh at a prank he pulled. I can’t make him another Christmas present.
Gone. He is simply gone. Memories in my heart aren’t enough and that is all I really have now.
Before I went to Dad’s funeral, I put all his clothes in bags to bring home. With his funeral service a few hours away, I lifted clothes that he once wore. They looked like him. They smelled like him. With each piece of clothing, my heart wrenched a little bit more. All I knew was that I needed his clothes more than anything else he owned. I am going to make my sister and I quilts from his clothes so that we can wrap ourselves in all that we have left of him. It is as close to his hug as we will have again. Maybe it will help my heart heal.
The pain of losing Dad has truly been unbearable. I can not find comfort from anyone or anywhere.
I feel hollow.
But it doesn’t end there. Oh no, a reprieve was just too much to ask for, I guess. Next, my husband was laid off…again.
It has to be an evil, vicious joke, but I didn’t cry or scream. I was really in too much shock and already in a foggy, hollow state, so it just didn’t hit me.
Well, it didn’t hit me until last Saturday when I decided that “Life Sucks And Then You Die,” and I also concluded that God has me on the black list of less desirable children. Since He is an omnipotent being full of grace and light, there is no way that He can “hate” me, but He can surely put me on a black list which is akin to being the black sheep in a family.
I’m sure my mother and all my Christian readers are flipping through their scriptures to tell me differently, but I am not Job and I do not have his strength.
Anyway, two weeks prior to Tom’s job loss, Alyssa’s dog decided that she would chew off Alyssa’s bra strap. Bella already had been caught chewing on underwear, shorts, shirts, plastic, walls, carpet, toilet paper, paper towels…need I continue? We kept looking for this bra strap because it still had both metal clips attached.
Remember, this little dog is LITTLE. Bella is still under six pounds and is a toy poodle in all senses of the word. She just looks like a ball of red fluff.
Never in our wildest dreams did we believe that she could swallow the entire bra strap, but that is what happened. Apparently, it had been in her stomach and then decided to try to take on the rest of the digestive route. So first one metal clamp passed from her stomach into her intestine followed by the strap material. However, the clamp on the other end got hung up at the opening of the stomach. Bella’s intestines kept trying to pull it through slowing turning everything into a knotted mess of intestines and stomach.
Bella was dying.
We rushed her to emergency surgery where they had to cut open her stomach and her intestines through a very long incision on her under belly. No one was sure if she would live or die. Bella’s intestines didn’t want to work and she kept throwing up stomach acid, so it just added to the whole dilemma.
Each moment throughout the week, we have been fearful of her death. Alyssa, of course, also suffers guilt since it was her bra that was eaten. Obviously, Alyssa was freaking out.
Now it is Friday evening and Bella is home…alive. She appears to be out of immediate danger because she has not developed a temperature, continues to eat, drinks from her bowl and best of all, Bella can poop. I guess the proper term is defecate, but I never use that word and Alyssa hates it. We both think it just sounds nasty.
Don’t get me wrong…I am very grateful for so many things such as:
- both Alyssa and Bella are alive
- my mother is still alive
- my dad died quickly and didn’t have to suffer years of agonizing cancer pain
- my family loves each other
- I have a great brother-in-law who loves me like a sister which is huge because as we all know, in-laws don’t always treat you like family and it is the basis of many jokes especially the mother-in-law jokes
- my daughter has a great work ethic and loves her job and career path
- I work for a good company
- I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, shoes on my feet and food on my table
- I know why we come to the earth and where we go after we die
Those are some major things to be thankful and I am very grateful for them all.
I am worn out emotionally.
I just can’t take any more trauma because I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
Dad popped into my mind today and I thought, “I bet he is having a great day. He might even be laughing and talking to my grandparents. Dad is happy and I feel like life sucks.”
Yeah, I know it could be so much worse and that is my fear. I’m afraid to know what terrible tragedy is going to happen next. I don’t want to have to cope with anything else.
I want to be off God’s black list. Aren’t I as good as other people who are breezing through life happy, healthy and financially strong? Doesn’t God want to help me? Do I deserve this much pain? I know the “right” answers to those questions, but I sure don’t feel like any of it applies to me.
My advice is that I don’t have any advice. Right now I am clinging to the things my mother taught me when I was a young child…
Matt. 6: 19-21
- 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
So my dear family and Alyssa, I’m having a very tough time just existing. I can’t do or be all that I used to do or be…yet…I hope. I am trying desperately to believe that God still loves me and that I am not doomed to live a life of constant turmoil or unhappiness. I apologize that I can not do it all any more and that I might be somehow failing you. I feel so inadequate and defeated. I feel as though I have failed you. I feel as though I have failed myself. I have no idea why I feel this way, but I do.
Alyssa, please remember the many miracles that saved your life and Bella’s life. There were many undeniable and unexplainable things that happened. Your Father in Heaven loves you and keeps on blessing your life.
I’m tired. I am very, very tired.
Thank you for being my family. I love you all very much.
My dear readers and friends…Please let me say thank you for being there for me with hugs, lunch, snacks (shhhhh), emails, messages, phone calls and chatting on Twitter, Facebook and in my community. I know you all care and appreciate your efforts on my behalf.
Please know that I am trying very hard to “be myself” again. I feel so lost and empty.
Matt. 5: 3-12
- 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.