When Dad actually passed away, my heart exploded with pain. I am so grateful that he didn’t have to linger long and suffer the way I know so many people do when they have cancer, but it really didn’t lessen the agony of having him leave.
Dad had a lovely service and he had even written a goodbye letter. It was nice to know that he loved me as he proclaimed it to all who were attending the farewell in the same church where he married my mother almost fifty years ago. Words of love, hope and comfort were spoken by all and the choir raised their voices to the songs that Dad has chosen to be sung.
It was just so sad for so many reasons. I can’t pick up the phone and call him any more. There won’t be another holiday that he will share with the family. There is no possible place that I can go to get a hug from Dad or hear him say he loves me. I feel as though a piece of me is gone and I guess it really is gone.
I keep trying to tell myself that life is just a blink and before I know it we will be together again, but I do not feel any comfort in that knowledge today. I even know that he is happy with all those that have gone before and I am so thrilled for his happiness, but that just doesn’t lighten the sad loneliness I feel as he continues to run through my heart.
I want to thank all of you for offering prayers and comfort in many forms. Tina from Little Tots Big Ideas sent me this poem and I thought I would share it with you since it is so beautifully written.
by Susan A. Jackson
May I Go? May I go now?
Do you think the time is right?
May I say good-bye to pain-filled days
and endless lonely nights?
I’ve lived my life and done my best,
an example tried to be.
So can I take that step beyond
and set my spirit free?
I didn’t want to go at first,
I fought with all my might.
But something seems to draw me now
to a warm and loving light.
I want to go. I really do.
It’s difficult to stay.
But I will try as best I can
to live just one more day,
To give you time to care for me
and share your love and fears.
I know you’re sad and so afraid,
because I see your tears.
I’ll not be far, I promise that,
and hope you’ll always know
that my spirit will be close to you,
wherever you may go.
Thank you so for loving me.
You know I love you too.
That’s why it’s hard to say good-bye
and end this life with you.
So hold me now, just one more time
and let me hear you say,
because you care so much for me,
you’ll let me go today.
Most people just die suddenly and no one has the opportunity to tell them goodbye. I have thought a lot about that and so, I’ve already told Mom that I love her more than words can say and that I will miss her desperately when she is no longer here on this earth. I even told Alyssa as we were driving back home that I am so grateful to have her as my daughter and have cherished every moment.
I want all my relationships to be neat and tidy with love coming and going without regret. That is even part of the reason why I write this blog. If I can post ten years of “Happy Birthday” posts filled with love to each of my family members just in case I am not around, I think that alone would make it well worth the effort.
Before I close this post, let me just say that I am truly thankful for my family – their love and sacrifices on my behalf. There are simply no words to thank my mother for giving me life and teaching me how to choose the better part and the way to incorporate it into my every choice. I am thankful for my beautiful and loving daughter who has made my life worth living and gave it more meaning than anything else I have ever done. My heart is full of appreciation for my friends both seen and unseen – their generosity, patience, thoughtful kindnesses and assistance with so many endeavors and experiences. Most of all, I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who gave me the opportunity to return to Him some day. I believe He allowed me to be born in this era and location with the people and opportunities that have made my life so rich with love.
Take the time to appreciate all the people, things and opportunities that enrich your life and share your grateful heart while you have the time.
Dad loved listening to Elvis Presley sing and so I leave you now with one of his favorites which he wanted played as the closing song at his service.
Goodbye Dad, I’m missing you already.
Loving you forever and thinking of you always…
until we meet again,
Your Little Red