I am going to share something extremely personal. I was vacillating between writing it or not writing it, but I feel the need to forever record these moments.
Dad’s doctor called me today. Each of his words exploded in my brain and left holes in my heart.
I almost couldn’t listen and yet, I knew this information was necessary…
“…finding a way to make it more comfortable for him.”
“The same cancer found in his lung is in his pelvis…”
“The cancer has deteriorated the bones in his hip…”
“His entire body has cancer.”
He was a kind man on the other end of the phone and I felt his compassion. When the call was over, I softly hung up the phone almost as if I didn’t want to disturb the painful numbness surrounding my body.
I thought about the email my mother had written to me that started with “I’m sorry that you have to experience this pain” and after a beautifully written email, ended “Call me if you need me. I love you.”
So I called her and we talked for a little while as I tried to find solace.
There was none.
I wanted to hear Dad’s voice, so I called him hoping he was not asleep.
“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” and I desperately held in the sob that was threatening to burst out.
“Dad, I heard you and Mom had a party today.”
“I wouldn’t really call it a party.”
We both chuckled and then he said, “I saw Mr. Robert today.”
My grandfather’s name was Gran-Gran to me, but everyone else called him Mr. Robert. My dad and Gran-Gran were very close and spent many happy hours together playing basketball, watching television and so many other things. Of course, that was a long time ago because my grandfather has passed away.
I said, “You saw Gran-Gran?”
I could hear him smile suddenly recognizing what he just told me as he said, “Mr. Robert’s dead, isn’t he?”
“That’s not a good sign, is it?” he asked with a slight chuckle.
“If you see Gran-Gran any time soon Dad, make sure the two of you talk to Jesus about me being with you both.”
“You’re not going to have a problem,” he said matter-of-factly.
“I love you Dad.”
“I love you.”
My Dad is going to die.
I will have to live the rest of my life without him.
I don’t want him to die.
I know many of my readers probably do not believe in Jesus Christ or an afterlife and I’m not trying to convince you otherwise. I have found a sense of peace knowing that Gran-Gran will be there when Dad steps out of his very sick body.
Maybe it was Heavenly Father’s way of providing me with comfort.
I still don’t want him to hurt…or die.
Praying that Jesus will carry my Dad through this trial,