I’m sure my mother went through labor for such a long time with me because I didn’t want to be born. Somehow I knew that life was going to be really hard at times and that I was going to hurt.
I don’t do pain well.
This year has been unkind.
First, many people in my family have lost their jobs because of the horrible economy.
A few months ago, my daughter’s tragedy happened from which I still have not recovered.
I live in a foggy nightmare of continually re-experiencing those horrifying moments of finding my dying child.
Maybe that will help you understand why going to work has been so very hard for me to do.
I don’t even fake happiness very well any more. I think I look atrocious with black circles under my eyes that I cannot cover and a forced smile.
A few hours ago my dad’s phone rang.
Monday, Dad went to the doctor to have the pulled muscle in his leg checked and get routine blood tests.
Today they called him and through heaving, racking sobs, he dialed my number to tell me that he has cancer in his lung.
My hands are shaking while I type this post and my heart feels so unbearably heavy.
I know that God did not promise us this sojourn would be easy. I know that Jesus Christ had a life filled with great hardships. I do not feel more special than Him, so why do I have the notion that I shouldn’t suffer so much pain??
In the Bible, Isaiah 40:29 reads:
“He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.”
I have little, to no might.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel today.
All the motivational thoughts and cute quips don’t touch my ache.
It is just too much.
My. Dad. has. lung. cancer.
Life is not a party.
Now I remember that quote by Helen Keller that I often find comfort reading.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”
Humble, sad and scared,