When I’m alone…actually I’m alone more than I care to admit…but when I’m alone, I wonder where all the time has gone. Life isn’t like it “used” to be. I know I “shouldn’t” dwell in the past, but this morning when I took Alyssa to school it just hit me in the face. I’m lonely and I miss having someone need me all the time.
My daughter is this beautiful young woman who used to rely on me for everything. My days were filled with washing her laundry, making sure she didn’t put anything she shouldn’t in her mouth, and the list just goes on and on and on. Now, the list is rather short and it is too sad.
In my mind, I can’t believe that these days are over (referring to the picture below)
I look at the picture and remember all of it…We were at Six Flags over Texas at the base of the Parachute ride. It was brisk outside, but not too cold. I was still nursing and was due to have my gall bladder removed as soon as I decided to quit nursing. That didn’t happen until Alyssa was eighteen months old. I was really thin and my hair was really long. We were sitting quite happily waiting on everyone else to finish their rides. Alyssa laughed and tried talking to me with funny noises. She gave me slobbery kisses because she still couldn’t pucker her lips. Her little outfit was snugly and soft and she smelled like…well, she smelled like Alyssa. Her skin was so fair and soft as velvet. Above all else, she REALLY needed me all the time.
Alyssa still needs me, but very differently and definitely not as much.
Before I had Alyssa, I didn’t think alone was so bad.
Today, alone seems very much like a dark, endless abyss of sadness.
A chapter in my life is quickly disappearing and I am not coping with it very well. I guess I am just a whiner. I visit your blogs and read about your babies and I want my baby years back. I don’t want to be on the verge of wrinkles and my daughter graduating, getting married and having babies of her own.
I can’t stop the hands of time.
I can’t bring back the old days.
I have to live in this moment.
Enjoy these experiences.
Express thankfulness for my opportunities.
But when I’m alone, I cry and ache for those little outstretched arms asking me to pick her up and hold her close.
I miss my baby.
holding on to
the things you love,
the things you are,
the things you
never want to lose.”